a quiet problem
a private issue most people will not voice
I do not voice myself as an activist.
You will not see me at a feminist march with my fist held high with a sign in hand that proclaims change. The thought of screaming “Unjust! Unjust!” in public makes a part of me cringe inside. I have always been a reserved person in my beliefs and opinions, however, I would like to address a quiet problem. There is a concern that affects all genders, age groups, and social classes on a global scale.
I would like to be that voice for those who feel they can’t voice their concerns out of fear. It started with a simple thought that was based off of my own experiences.
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The mother of the man I was dating whispered to me, “my son isn’t good for you, he is abusive and you need to seek help.” What is she talking about? I stopped and stared at her. I was confused and a little offended.
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Nonetheless, it planted a small seed in my mind. Why did someone else think I was being abused?
why do women stay
in an emotionally
abusive relationship
even when they know
they should leave?
I have no bruises, he doesn’t hit me. I have a good head on my shoulders, I would know if I was being abused. This whispering thought bloomed full force into a labyrinth of questions.
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I know physical abuse is bad, but why haven’t I been warned against emotional abuse? Are other women going through this blindly? Can I help them identify this problem? Can anything be done about such an abstract issue?
Verbal abuse may not always be marked with name calling. It is a slow and constant cycle characterized by destroying ones character, sanity, and being. It is important to understand that the foundation of the abuser is their need for control and power over another person. Once someone understands that concept, it is usually more easily identifiable.
Other times verbal abuse is marked by the abuser showing extreme anger, manipulation, cheating, and “flip—flopping” personalities. They often are overly critical, have impossibly high expectations, and can be extremely narcissistic or selfish. Although psychological/verbal abuse can affect men, women, and children, I am focusing on how it particularly affects women. Based off a PMC study, females between the ages of 18 – 34 experience the highest rate of abuse.
The relationship with the abuser is a rollercoaster of verbal punishment and intermittent reinforcement of kindness when the victim “behaves”
Words are used as a form of control. Words become weapons. Words become chains. Words become a slow acting poison that result in fear, anxiety and depression
Many woman do not realize they are victims. They may believe that the emotions they are going through are normal in a relationship. Many lose their sense of self and have feelings of guilt, humiliation, or shame. The constant expectations of the abuser can throw the victim into extreme anxiety or depression. These woman are fearful and often dependent on the abuser for money, living arrangements, childcare, etc. However, the trademark sign of the victim is their multiple and frequent “chances” that they give to the abuser. They often have hope that the abuser will change or “see the light”.
Leaving is never the easy choice, in fact, it may be the hardest one. For some women it may be harder to leave because they have a marriage, children, or life together. Or it may be life threatening to leave, as 70% of domestic violence deaths/injuries happen after the victim has left; leaving takes the control away from the abuser, which can be deadly.
Again, it is imperative to understand that the reason these women often stick around is because they are given hope and false promises that things will turn around for the better. When in reality, it is extremely rare that the abuser ever changes.
On average the victim will try to leave 7 times before leaving for good
Our society tends to normalize this unhealthy behavior, in fact, many woman don’t realize that it could be any different and that it’s not right. We have been conditioned to believe abuse can only be physical. Living in a day where technology reigns and communication is instantaneous, it can often be hard to escape. Studies have shown that verbal abuse is more prevalent than physical abuse, and many experience lasting damage such as ptsd, fear, chronic depression, and anxiety.
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In the United States, verbal abuse is considered a form of domestic violence, however, it predominantly is frowned upon in the States and often times a predecessor for physical abuse.48.4% of women in the US have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner. Many countries in the uk are more proactive than anywhere around the world to legally protect woman. For example, in 2011 France made psychological abuse a criminal offense.
However, places such as Iran, Egypt, etc. have no laws against verbally or even physically abusing woman, often times it is normalized in these environments. In 2017, Russia passed a law under Putin to decriminalize physical abuse.
The victims give so much emotionally. Even when drained, they do not want to give up on their partner/significant other. This mindset can often be confusing to onlookers.
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A factor in this prevailing issue is the general overall attitude coming from the judgements of other people that are outside the issue. The victim can be ostracized from her friends or family because of her choice to remain in the relationship leading to further dependence on the abuser. Family/friends often feel feelings of superiority or annoyance because of the victims choices, and after some time may assume it is a hopeless case and will “wash their hands clean” of the situation.
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We have a responsibility to offer the support system and inspiration necessary to break the cycle. We should encourage these woman to find their self confidence to fight for their sanity and mental health. I call for less judgement from friends/family, for psychological abuse to be criminalized in the US to further prevent woman from getting hurt, and for society to create the steps between awareness and escape.
